Parenting  the Young Athlete:

We must RE-DEFINE what it means to WIN

Dr. Jim Vicory

            When thinking about winning, most people conjure up an image of somebody standing there with a gold medal around their neck, probably standing on a victory platform, tears in their eyes, a flag draped around their shoulders, with the National Anthem blaring in the background. Is this what I see? No, I see this as a noble and heroic conquest by a person trying to be the best that they can be, but rather than winning, I see this more as frosting on the cake.

            As a performance consultant specializing in mind skills training, I have been fortunate to have consulted with individuals competing in a wide variety of sports and musical competitions at just about every level. I have worked with 7 and 8 year olds at the junior elite level up through athletes and musicians performing at the top level in the world.

            My thoughts about winning have been forged by my recollections of post-competitions. I have seen young figure skaters, gymnasts, swimmers, musicians and others milling around afterwards looking very upset and distraught. In this depressing scene, I see only one person with a great big smile. I see another with  “kind” of a smile and a third with a half-hearted grin. Why? The first received the gold medal, the second, the silver medal and the third, the bronze medal.

            Everybody else acted as if they were losers. Most parents and coaches/teachers were consoling their children, but too often, they were actively angry with their charges and scolding their attempts, accusing them of not trying or choking under pressure. What was the net result… kids feeling bad about themselves and their performances and often either quitting or not wanting to be involved in other activities at all.

            So how would I define winning? I strongly feel that winning is being there and putting in effort. What more can we expect...kids or adults actively involved in a healthy quest to get better, competition or not. If they are there and are on time and putting in full effort...hear, hear, what else can we expect? They are winners. They go home feeling good about themselves and we go home feeling equally good about ourselves. We’ve allowed our kids to learn and apply one of life’s most important lesson – getting in the arena and trying.

            Now, if once involved in their sports or music, they decide to set some personal goals and go about trying to meet them, then that is frosting on the cake. This is something that they want to do and it would be cruel not to allow them. Rah, rah, sis-boom bah….

           Now what if they want to take a greater step and try to meet some national and/or world standard. This is a greater piece of frosting of the pie. The kids will have to learn what it really means to sacrifice and be willing to pay the price. They will know what it feels to achieve at an ultimate level. Not bad….

            Is there another level? Yes there is and few ever meet it. This is a level that requires individuals to become self-masters. These individuals are no longer to be interested in status, wealth or fame. They simply are there to perfect their skills and be the best athlete and/or musician they can be. It is at this level that a Larry Bird or Magic Johnson in basketball or a Winston Marcellis, trumpeter in jazz/classical forms of music performs. They are not interested in outcome and what it all means, they are more concerned with the process and are always trying to improve their skills.

            The beauty of this level is that it is a stress-free level and it is one in which the results take care of themselves without much active effort in having to “win.” Greg Louganis, one of our all-time most successful Olympic divers, once said that by trying to do the perfect dive, he increased the probability of doing a terrible dive. But by trying to do a good dive, he increased the chance of doing a perfect dive.

            So why not allow all our young individuals to be winners? Contrary to what many have said to me in the past that my definition” waters” down the definition, I feel it to be the exact opposite. By focusing on being there and showing effort, everybody feels better and self-confidence grows. If it all ends there, so be it, but generally most kids enjoy the feeling and success that this entails and desire to seek out more frosting at the upper levels.

            So show up on time on a regular basis, put in top effort and be a WINNER....

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Dr. Jim Vicory teaches Health Education at the University of South Alabama. He formerly was the Sports Psychologist at Northwestern University and consulted with athletes, musicians, and high performance individuals at the junior elite level up through top collegians, professionals, and nationally and world ranked athletes. He is an author, columnist, frequent guest on radio and television and maintains a private consulting firm, the Mind Zone.

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